Two situations everybody has faced whilst clubbing in London

1.

Needing a shit when you’re at a club

Now this is one of those situations that hits you like a train, sometimes it hits you when you’re on the way to the club and sometimes it hits you mid dutty whine.

Nothing is worse than bustin’ out the gun finger and instantly feeling your bowel whisper ever so aggressively “Hey you, I’m ready”.

The instant “oh fuck” moment you get when you have to give your mate the “look” and push your face back as if to say shit is about to go down and I need you to look deep into the best friend hand book and read that if in a situation such as this you are OBLIGED to hold my drink and NOT drink/spill/spike/spit/leave it anywhere.

Casually walking/partying your way over to the toilets you see a queue of people looking at the ground with pain in their eyes and fear in their hearts as you alongside these strangers know have come to do the same thing and embark on an adventure that you don’t want to be a part of.

If anything tis’ a quest that you are too afraid to lead but must see to the end, otherwise if left for too long it would lead into a torturous  journey on a night bus on one’s own where other obstacles you know you will have to face might and probably will defeat you.

Sweating fear you manage to make your way to a cubicle and lock the door releasing an instant sigh of relief. The first hurdle is over you tell yourself as you glaze down at the toilet and see what you have to work with. You gag a little because there’s a teeny tiny little skid mark that’s making you nervous and the piss ridden floor really doesn’t add to the illusion that you are in fact doing a poo at a club and not in the comfort of your own home.

When all is done and dusted you proudly walk out the cubicle with large strides because you can, you have the freedom to now throw some shapes and pretty much do gymnastics on the dance floor. With a large gnarly smile on your face you pat yourself on the back for doing the dreaded deed and skip over to your friend who has in the time of your absence drunk your drink and blabbed out a few words to try convince you that it was stolen and they don’t know what happened.

2.

 Trying to lose the creepy guy/girl you just got with who keeps following you

This is one of those situations that undeniably is a time you wish you could develop the power to morph into somebody else or just be plain invisible.

Everyone’s gotten to the peak of drunkness where the beer goggles are strapped on so tight it would make Susan Boyle look like Megan Fox.

Hormones rushing through your veins Susan is over the moon that you have selected her out of many of the other choices that (let’s face it you think you can get).

Hands all over and tongues locked together Susan has not only pulled but in that moment of perfection and bliss, fallen in love with the idea that you two are from now own going to be exchanging numbers and texting each other little embarrassed hands over eyes monkey emoticons because you are just that cute.

5 minutes down the line and you take a breath from the excessive face sucking and lay your slightly less drunk eyes on what actually looks a little more like Megan Fox with a mild case of autism.

Instantly you come up with a genius idea and say “I’m just going to get another drink, I’ll be back” and then “accidently” get “lost” and never find her again because your just so clumsy and again just that cute.

With a speedy/stumbly walk you go off to find your pals with the idea in your mind that you won’t see Susan for the rest of the night or hopefully ever again.

You’re wrong.

Even though you used the excuse to go to the bar and get another drink you actually think to yourself that you do in fact want another drink and proceed to the bar.

Susan is there waiting for you, she has a look in her eyes that reflects her insanity… sort of like when you see side boob. You’re eyes just light up, become inflamed with interest.

Before you know it you find yourself escaping to places you think she can’t find you, even your friends can’t protect/hide you because Susan is like Predator and she has a tracking device just for you. She can even scale the walls and shoot nets from her wrist whilst slaying people in her way with acid fingers.

Susan will get you, and she will eat you.

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Ways you can tell if someone carries the Douchebag gene

THE DOUCHEBAG GENE

The Douchebag Gene is a genetic deformity that effects 70% of the UK, these statistics are not based on any public polls but on an over all assumption that no one will disagree with.

Doucebag gene symptoms vary from behavioral issues to lack of common sense and brain maturity… there are different stages and levels of how the Doucebag gene can effect individuals.

For example, the Doucebag gene can come into effect in various fazes, e.g. (not everyone is a Douchebag forever)

However it is unlikely to recover once the Douchebag gene has taken over your initial senses.

In this article I am going portray the symptoms of the Doucebag gene so that everyone is aware and knows to stay away/handle people who carry the gene… the reason I am doing so is because it is very contagious members of the public must be aware of how to protect themselves from becoming Doucebags.

 

I’ll start with number one

Douchebag effected severely by the gene 

 

1.

 

This is Nick Griffin – As you can see he has been severely effected by the gene causing his eyes to not function normally… This is a rare case for the Doucebag gene, he has been such a big Douchebag that his own body is rejecting signs of sanity and making him look like a drunk owl.

(WARNING – if you turn into a Doucebag as big as Nick Griffin you WILL end up looking like a disabled bird of prey)

 

2.

What names subdue your children to the Doucebag gene 

There are certain names that can make you more prone to the gene – If you are about to become a parent I suggest you stay away from these names.

Chad

Trent

Guy

Blake

Brad

Brody

Chaz

Tad

Mike

 

3.

How can you spot a Doucebag?

Doucebags come in all shapes and sizes (all of which think they are above the social norm when it comes to appearance) 

You can spot Doucebags in the street, sometimes standing still looking at their reflection on mirrored surfaces such as car windows, shop windows and even staring into someone else’s sunglasses.

The reason they do this is because they are confused as to why people around them don’t look the way they do, it ponders their mind as to why other members of the public surrounding them don’t glow the same shade or orange or why others don’t respond to simple greetings such as “yo bro” and “sup playa”

It is fairly easy to spot a Douchebag in public, however it depends where about’s you are.

Douchebags like to mainly hang around other Douchebags because they feel comfortable knowing there are people that share and carry the gene.

Douchebags are usually found in areas such as Chelsea or Essex… However that doesn’t mean that’s where they all are… there are Douchebag gene carriers all over the UK!

If you want to spot a Douchebag due to appearance you should look out for anyone who looks like they have run through River Island covered in double sided tape, anyone that resembles a Topman manikin or anyone that has a hair cut that resembles an ice gem.

 

4.

THE DOUCHEBAG CURE

The Douchebag gene is genetic so you are more likely to be a carrier if either of your parents carry the gene too.

There is no medication you can take to prevent the symptoms coming into effect, it is mainly a mental challenge to succumb what the gene does to you so if anything the best thing to do is eventually breed out the Douchebag gene.

Obviously easier said than done, what CAN be done is putting a stop to trends that influence the Douchebag gene to come into full effect.

e.g. items such as White Chino’s, double collared polo shirts and protein shakes are strong influences that can be stopped.

 

 

 

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The 6 different types of drunk – Which one are you?

Now let’s face it everybody has one of those friends that when drunk causes a scene, causes trouble, is very embarrassing, very boring, very annoying and very slutty.

(If you can’t think of a friend that does any of those things then its you)

Here’s a detailed analysis of the 6 Different Drunks

1.

The Lobotomy

The lobotomy drunk is someone who doesn’t know their limit and finds it acceptable to test their limit every time they go out and face the consequences.

So for example one would have a glass of wine too many and go “lie down” convincing friends that they are “okay, just going to go play it cool for a while”

After being left alone the lobotomy drunk would have in that time thrown up all over the content of a room be it a bedroom or bathroom and due to their intoxicated state remain laying down just accepting the fact that they have massacred a room with body fluids.

When friends re enter the “room of regret” the lobotomy drunk remains laying down, playing dead or even pretending to be asleep or unconscious as if they have just had a lobotomy

Everyone has a lobotomy friend

The brief definition 

“someone who throws up loads and does nothing about it”

2.

The Crocodile Hunter

The Crocodile Hunter is a person who undeniably manages to pull whilst out clubbing,

returning home the morning after with multiple battle wounds on ones neck, face, chest or depending on how snappy the crocodile got anywhere else.

Most crocodile hunters don’t remember being snapped, however the evidence is always available the morning after.

Crocodile snaps are usually covered up by concealer, foundation, scarves and big jumpers.

The brief definition

“Someone who comes home with mysterious love bites all over their body”

This fellow here is a very experienced crocodile hunter.

Smashing shot here with his catch of the day.

3.

The Secret Millionaire 

The secret millionaire is someone who without doubt ends up spending all their money with no regards as to how it will effect them after the night is over.

The secret millionaire is someone who when intoxicated genuinely believes that the money they have in their account is endless due to perhaps an overdraft or a recent pay day.

Secret millionaires are usually very smart – even when drunk they are able to focus on complicated and important tasks such as withdrawing money from cash machines and even transferring money to and from different accounts via mobile apps that prove to be complicated and time consuming.

The brief definition 

“someone who when intoxicated spends every penny to their name”

4.

The Farmer

The farmer is someone who within their time at a club manages to herd together a number of people in regards to finding a mate to be intimate with.

The farmer is usually somebody who doesn’t have many skills in terms of pulling and manages to pick the rut of the litter near enough every time.

The brief definition 

“someone who gets with ugly chicks”

5.

The Magician 

The Magician is someone who has the ability to miraculously disappear on a night out without leaving any traces of evidence as to their whereabouts.

Evidence is usually revealed the morning after .

The magician is not very smart however is very talented at turning up in various random places sometimes miles away from their original chosen destination.

The Magician can handle large quantities of alcohol and uses intoxication expertise when it comes to a night on the town.

The brief description

“Someone who gets super drunk and ends up in random places”

6.

The Predator 

The predator is someone who makes a night out into an adventure, a quest for clunge or a hunt for c*nt.

The predator is feared by inferior less experienced club goers yet welcomed into night clubs as somewhat pro league partiers.

The predator will probably make you feel uncomfortable if you are not looking to be somebody’s prey.

The predators appearance can differ on terms of gender, however both have similar traits that give them something in common, e.g. look out for bright orange skin, minimal clothing and scary looking eyebrows.

The brief description

A Slut

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Mop up on aisle awkward – Argos gets owned by complaint letter

Mop up on aisle awkward

I decided to purchase a refurbished television from the Argos Ebay outlet (which at the time saw to be a cunning idea into the improvement of entertainment systems that would exist in my bedroom)
However the bloody thing broke from under a month of owning it, so I decided to write Argos an email!
So here goes….

Dear Argos,

My name is Toby and recently I purchased a television from you guys… to be specific a “TOSHIBA 32BV801B FULL HD 1080P LCD TV 32 INCH DIGITAL FREEVIEW – BLACK REFURB”
Now as you can see I bought a refurbished television (which to my knowledge I have now discovered that it was cheap for a reason).
I currently made the investment into a Netflix account where I can watch all the movies and television programmes that I like on demand (its really great) and I seem to have found myself hooked on a TV series called Breaking Bad.


Breaking Bad was actually rated one of the best TV series ever made so as you can imagine its pretty addictive! 
I made it through 5 seasons without any problems, if anything I was the happiest I could be with my recent purchases and decisions into buying one of your products. 
However, Just as things start getting really interesting on Breaking Bad my brand new full HD 1080p 32 inch TOSHIBA television decided to not turn on anymore;
 This is genuinely unacceptable!


I have never felt so let down and restless in my whole 19 years in existence, not only can I not watch Breaking Bad the best TV series ever made but I cant watch anything, I cant even turn the volume up or down!
 I got a 12 month warranty with the television which is convenient, however I don’t particularly want a refund, I would like an exchange… I want a big 40 inch full HD 1080p television that does all the tricks… because for my TV to break from under a month of owning it I think is just madness.
I want my new television to make the rest of what I’ve missed out of Breaking Bad to be the best ever, I want this TV to make me a cup of tea once I’ve done, I want this TV to dispense tissues for when sad scenes tear me up, I want this television to practically scratch my balls for that’s what I deserve.
Now of course I can understand that the technology for a television to scratch your balls hasn’t arrived yet but the next best thing will suffice for now.


I don’t have any other questions or queries for I know all that is needed, so please, when you find the time I would appreciate it if you could do your best into satisfying me as a customer and providing me with a television that actually works.



Regards, Toby



P.S if whoever is in charge of Argos, be it Mr. Argos or Mrs. Argos, if you watch Breaking Bad then you will understand the crippling frustration/sadness I am feeling right now.

WIN

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Gentleman Essentials – Shoes for Spring

Gentleman Essentials

This is my second Gentleman Essentials post and due to the weather in the UK its now time bust out the spring wear.

This week I’ve decided to focus on shoes because some people really just don’t know whats acceptable, especially in unreliable weather.

I’m going to start it simply with the standard boat shoe

(nothing too out there)

Just boats

As you can see there are so many different colours and materials so you really can’t complain when it comes to defining your ideal boat shoe.

Oh and they just slip on and off so convenient and comfy as hell.

The Brogue 

Here is a picture of my favorite Brogues, purely for the fact that they are blue and suede… The brighter the better in my eyes especially for spring, however in addition to the boats you should be spoiled for choice with the range of colours and materials that are out there.

If you do feel like experimenting this season then I recommend you experiment with colour… you can do it in your own way with either pastels or just bright colours (obviously not to the extent where you could look like a traffic light, all in good taste I should add)

Clashing colours isn’t always a bad thing… it’s only bad if you don’t know how to do it right and you end up looking like a cock.

If your not too inclined to be buying suede when there is such a big risk of rain then here’s something that could go two ways… look cool and be the next best thing or look ridiculous and make you look like a wanker.

WATERPROOF BROGUES

Not really sure how I feel about these but the fact that they come in all sorts of colours kind of excites me… not a major fan of the orange though.

However, despite the idea of colourful shoes being the next best thing for spring nothing beats a traditional brown brogue… Here’s a spring inspired outfit I put together today, perfect for evening drinks.

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Gentleman Essentials – The Travel Kit

 

Gentleman Essentials 

Here’s the first edition to my new weekly post for Gentleman Essentials

I’ve decided to start with the “Travel Kit”

The “Travel Kit” is a list of essential things every gentleman needs to keep on his person to look good all the time… travel kits should be kept on ones person when either in the office, out for social events, networking and every day convenient use.

Now your travel kit should look something along the lines of a casual briefcase (remember you wear different dapper outfits every day so you should chose a bag that goes with everything you wear)

I am going to personally recommend

The Satchel

Both black and brown are ideal, leather is always a swanky idea too

–

Now what goes into the Travel Kit?

1.

Comb

Incredibly essential male grooming hair comb, for the slit back look that looks professional, clean cut and smart.

2.

 Tie pin

Supposedly in both silver & gold depending on what tie you are wearing… Tie pins pull the top half of your suited outfit together by making you look sharper and more professional.

3.

Pocket Square

Pocket squares come in all sorts of different designs, patterns, colors and materials… depending on how out there you want to look you can experiment with hundreds of different deigns, however for your travel kit I suggest keeping a traditional white pocket square to hand to make your outfit more classy.

4.

Sunglasses

Now the majority of who reads these blog posts originate from either the UK or the US and as all of you may know sunny weather is often very unreliable… however when a spot of sunshine opens up nothing completes a look than a dashing pair of shades

 Now in addition to anything else one would like to add to the travel kit, as essentials for the suited and booted business guys on the go these 4 items are a must have!

–

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LONDON FUNDERGROUND – The 8 scenarios every Londoner goes through on the bus

LONDON FUNDERGROUND

Here’s to yet another London Funderground post, where I decide to write about various topics regarding the beloved London public transport service be it good or bad.

THIS WEEK

I’ve decided to target BUSES

#banterbus

So I’m going to start with the 8 scenarios every Londoner faces on a bus, just like what I did last week with the tube.

1. Completely empty bus, you have the choice of both upstairs and downstairs and because you can your going to go upstairs and sit anywhere you like (This is a good feeling)

2. The bus is relativity empty, there’s an old lady in the priority seat but that doesn’t bother you, its not going to get in the way of you listening to music as loud as you want. (This is also pretty sweet)

3. You’ve got on a relativity busy bus but you manage to find a seat, someone is sitting next to you but its okay… however the person next to you’s jacket is touching your leg and there are some questionable stains that make you feel a little uneasy about your decision to sit. (you feel a little bit sick but it could be worse)

4. You have stepped on a pretty busy bus, you have to stand for a few stops but its fine because you will definitely have a seat after 5 minutes… An elderly lady steps every so slowly onto the bus whilst someone is standing up leaving your destined seat available, however you catch eye contact with the old lady so you HAVE  to give her the seat otherwise you look like a wanker. (This is quite annoying but you just smile and nod)

5. You have waited over 10 minutes for a bus you previously missed because you were Instagraming your lunch and you totally forgot to put your hand out, you finally step on and your oyster card has declined you access onto the vehicle due to insufficient funds even though you are 80% sure that you have enough money on there.

You step on and find a seat, it’s next to a lady who happens to be on the phone… you have no interest as to who she is conversing with however you make it your priority to eaves drop and judge her… (You are stressed due to having to pay to get on the bus so your impulsive conscience is telling you to rebel)

6. You’ve just been to the pub, you’ve just had a drink and your feeling a little tipsy and a little more confident than you usually do… You decide to listen to your music really loud and not care what everybody thinks, you don’t even care if people can hear that you are listening to One Direction and that if they look closely at you they would be able to tell that even with your mouth closed you are singing That’s what makes you beautiful very passionately.

You glance out of the bus window, a faint image of a cock carved by a young yout distracts your vision as you create a music video scenario in your head in collation to the song you are listening too… (you feel pretty good doing this, you enjoy these journeys)

7. You have stepped onto the bus, its incredibly packed and you can’t even make it down the first isle… you awkwardly lean on the rail close to the bus driver hoping to not catch eye contact which could potentially lead into a very unsatisfying conversation most probably regarding the bus route.

Finally, a woman with her 8 kids and octagon expanding spaceship submarine tent fucking annoying size of a house buggy AND grocery shopping trolley thing decide to shuffle off the bus giving you the room to proceed further down the bus where you could potentially get a seat.

All of the seats are being used except for one and its in between two people who from what you can see and hear look to be in a relationship… now of course you can’t sit in between because that’s just awkward so you have to stand and deal with the fact that this selfish couple have decided to keep a space in between them that NO ONE CAN USE… this space is what I like to call Bus Purgatory.

can’t do fuck all with it.

(This is one of the worst situations on the bus)

8. You have stepped and paid for the bus knowing you are only going two stops… this alone makes you question if it was worth putting yourself willingly onto a mode of London’s public transport without actually needing too.

The bottom of the bus is full and to be fair your kind of peeved because its getting quite late and your expecting to be greeted by some teens in hoods eating chicken on the top deck.

You are correct.

You have been greeted by intimidation and you realize that the top deck of the bus is also full… you don’t know what to do and this has really made you stressed because everyone’s seen you walk up so if you walk back down you look like a loser.

A young lady in a stained tracksuit sitting at the back of the bus passes a witty comment to her companion about some wasteman that just walked up and down the stairs… you fear it might be you.

You are correct.

(This is quite possibly one of the worst and most common feelings you will encounter when on an double Decker bus in London)

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Top 15 Awkward Family Photos

So today I came across a website called

http://www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com

You can tell just by the name of the site as to what the content is straight away, just a huge database of the weirdest most awkward family photos you can find.

And here are my favorites!

#awkwardfamilyphotos

1.

Bang on Trend

2.

Whoops

3.

Kissez 4 u

4.

Okay Mary now if you could lie down on the floor for me that’d be…. yep yep love it, great

5.

Now guys, pull your happiest faces, you only get married once! Bill I LOVE it keep it coming

6.

To avoid not looking good I suggest you all wear the same thing

7.

Dangerously Denim

8.

Dad’s r c00L

9.

Again, to avoid not looking good I suggest we all wear the same thing

10.

Hey mom get a shot of me and Rick on our way to prom ❤

11.

Hey guy’s, apologies for the humidity in the room you can’t notice I promise

12.

Cheeeeeeeeese

13.

Season’s Greetings

13.

O Que Deus uniu o Homem nao separe

(translation)

“What God has joined together man must not divide”

Sure

14.

I hope you don’t mind but I think I want to use this family portrait for the front cover of my book… It’s called “My Dad the Serial Rapist Cannibal”

Is that okay?

15.

Honey, wanna take a family picture?

Yeah sure let me just oil up

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LONDON FUNDERGROUND – 8 Best London Underground Announcements

Here’s to another London Funderground post!

So today I was on the tube (the Piccadilly line to be specific)

and there was an announcement that stated

“The train here will be held at a red signal due to signal failure”

(train stops)

“oh sorry I just pressed stop, never mind folks!”

This announcement amused me so I decided to find everyone’s favorite funny tube announcements… and here they are!

1.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction”.

2.

“Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.”

3.

“May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it’s only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.”

4.

“Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.”

5.

“I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don’t know when we’ll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly… usually in bits.”

6.

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: “Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen… unfortunately towels are not provided.”

7.

“Here we are again, crammed into a sweaty tube carriage. And today’s Wednesday – only two more days until you can binge drink yourself into a state of denial about the mediocrity of you life. Oh, for God’s sake, if you’re female smile at the bloke next to you and make his day. He probably hasn’t had sex for months.”

8.

“Residents of London are reminded that there are other places in Britain outside your stinking shithole of a city and, if you removed your heads from your arses for just a couple of minutes, you may realise that the M25 is not the edge of the Earth.”

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15 of the most pointless/ridiculous inventions ever in the whole entire world ever ever

So today I decided to surf the internet and do a little bit of online shopping.

I came across a website called

http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com

And its filled with some really cool stuff

However its also filled with a lot of pointless shit…. so pointless and shit I decided to save some of the worst inventions that I came across today… let me know if you agree!

1.

The Waterproof notepad

Because when I’m in the shower I struggle to cope not having something to write on

2.

The hoodie pillow

because when laying in bed I also fear of rain

3.

Glow in the dark toilet paper

Because shitting in the dark clearly isn’t appealing enough

4.

This weird baby jumper holder device

Because nothings more appealing than knowing the jumper your wearing might shit itself

5.

Light up Sandals

Because when lost in the woods I too find it useful to have my feet provide light an inch in front of me

“It’s okay I won’t be lost for long because I can see my feet”

6.

Play-Doh Cologne

Because nothing makes a woman hotter than when a man smells like a 3 year old

7.

Stickers that make you look awake when your asleep

Yeah sure, because when I sleep my eyelids are closed too… oh and I also look like a rapist

8.

Glow in the dark crowbar

Because sometimes you want to be subtle when you break into a car

9.

Mug with a plug

Because I love having the option to be dowsed in boiling hot tea

10.

Bulletproof notepad

Because whenever I need something to write on I usually want to protect myself from gun fire

11.

100 Dollar stash wallet

Because I LOVE being mugged

12.

Light up eyelashes 

Because I’ve always wanted to be blind

13.

Superman socks with a cape

Because I love looking like a virgin

14.

Potty Putter

Because exercise is key

15.

The Daddy Saddle

Because having that purchase on your bank statement is perfectly normal

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